Am I Right? Maybee...the human comedy, explained...somewhat

The Facts, Sad To Say

2009-04-29T20:23:00.002-04:00

It seems that I only get around to publish something in this every oh, year or so. It's not that I am busy, heck I've been retired for ten years. No, the sad fact is that I am just lazy. Lot's of hot ideas ruminating in my brain but no ambition to put pen to paper.

Let me tell you a few things about my sad life:

I am living proof that Indians really did screw buffaloes. I had a job once breeding exotic fish but everytime I got in the tank all the water slooshed out. I was a professional song listener once but who knew that the Hollies weren't singing about a long cool woman in a flack vest? Or the Beatles weren't saying Pay For My Chrysler (only John would want to be a Paperback Writer, the sneaky snood)? I thought that Creedence Clearwater Revival was singing about a bathroom on the right. I used to be a professional at quite a few things but since I wasn't very good at them, for a time I was a professional non-eater. I wrote a screenplay for My Fair Lady after the movie came out. The studio head told me that it was almost word for word the same script as the movie. I guess I must have misspelled some words. And why hasn't someone with half a brain in his head filmed Gilgamesh? Ollie Stone could do wonders with that one, right Clay Shaw? I wet my pants on stage at my attempt at stand up. That was five years ago, and I still have the pants. The stain is still there so I only wear them a night, in a dark club. I have a terrible gag relex so there goes being a vampire or gay. I want to write something to scream I am alive and to make Ms Huffington swoon over me and say her blog could not possibly go on one more single day without me on staff.

The sad facts are that this is the only place that I will ever get anything published and no one but my wife reads it (do not think I didn't recognize your style even under those aliases). But, then again, even if I were to be popular, and witty and charming, I'm still too lazy to write anything more than once a year.

Toodles, and, see you on the other side!

Like AC/DC...Back In Black

2007-07-20T07:34:00.000-04:00

Thought I was dead? Nope. Thought I had nothing more to say? Nope. Been gone a long time. Perhaps it was laziness. Yeah, I think that was what it was. Let's try to get back in the swing of things.

I can't say that I'm shocked that no one reads this but a few of my friends. After all, I've never said anything profound. However, even in just surfing by, you would think that someone would stop by and tell me that my writing is juvenile and not worth the time. When I go to someone else's blog I try to be nice and say something. I thought that that was what this whole blog thing was about. I have tried to be comedic in my approach and try to make you think at times. I guess that style just was not working. I am sorry for that. I am not sorry for myself. Eventually, you may come across this blog. If you don't like it, say so. I can't fix what I don't know is broken. Enough of the preamble crying! On with the show!

The new politician

As anyone who has bothered to read my blogs, I have absolutely nothing for politicians. As Will Rodgers once famously intoned: "We have the best politicians that money can buy." Oh boy, is that putting the biscuit in the basket!

But, what does it take to be a modern politician? Well, first of all you must divest yourself of all of your principals, if you had any to begin with. You won't need them and they would just get in the way of your negotiations with lobbyists. Oh, wait a minute, that is not new, that's old!

Okay, then you must depend only on which way the wind is blowing to state your positions. Do not by any means have an honest position, remember you must only thing about your re-election, that is the only way to extend your deals with lobbyists. To have an honest position will only bring you scorn by your fellow crooked politicians and may make you a outcast. Oh my, could that be a continuing policy? Why, yes, I think that it is! So far this is sounding awfully cynical.

Money, money, money. That is all that you must think about. More money for your campaign,
more money for your golden years, more money period. You should try to court to the big money corporations and big money donors and ignore the people you represent because they can't do anything for you. You've got a safe district, the people don't know that your just an empty suit, an empty desk. But you have to look good! You got to get that look about you, oozing success and confidence! Voters don't care about your record, if you bother to compile one. Judicial Watch can rant about you, it doesn't matter. No one back home reads it!
Oops, again you've stumbled onto an established stragety.

Be insincere. Insincerely is the coin of the realm for a politician. You don't have to tell the truth, no one expects to tell the truth. It is not a job requirement. Stick with what works. Demonize the other party, what the heck, they are doing the same to you. What does it matter, neither party is different from the other! If your a crook, stay a crook. If your not, why are you a pol in the first place, go back to law school and learn how to be one.

Get religion, fast. This country is overrun with fundamentalist waiting for the rapture. You need to persuade (that actual job of a polititian) that your a God fearing man. You better fear God or this guys will have your cojones. Pepper your speeches with at least 15 references to God and relate your story of how you once were a sinner but now you are found. A guarented winner!

Old Boss, same as the New Boss

Well, it seems that really nothing, or no one can be called modern in the political game. Why write this? I don't know, boredom, anger, my Wii is too hot to play? I dunno, you pick one, I'm going to bed.

Ta Ta, and see you on the other side.

It's Been A Long Time

2006-10-25T00:33:00.000-04:00

Well, it has been a loooooong time since I last posted. What have I been doing, you might ask if you were in fact reading this commentary. Well, since you didn't ask (or read) I'll tell you anyway.

Poker. That's right the craze that has swept the nation undertowed me too. However, I have been on the other side of the table, dealing. Yes, I have been dealing Texas Hold'em. Working for charities. Fleecing the willing, as it were.

That, however is not the subject of this diatribe. Let's browse the recent political headlines, shall we?

Dennis Hastert can not recall any conversation that he had with a fellow representative who informed Mr. Speaker of the House that Rep. Foley was fooling around with the House Pages. Well, Dennis I don't think that they were talking about the Yellow Pages. It seems strange that you have that memory loss thing going for you. I don't think it will hold up, but....

President Bush is looking for new directions for the war in Iraq. Here's one, George, west. As in, bring the troops back home. I never thought it was a bad idea to get rid of Saddam Husein, but, if we are going after all of the meglomad politicians of the world don't you think your seat is getting hot? There isn't much more we are going to accomplish in Iraq anymore, except kill more of us guys. I'm not ready to scream isolationism, but bring the troops home. Trust me, it won't hurt your macho image one bit.

Read an facinating book, Puppetmaster, by Richard Hack. It is about the "secret life of J. Edgar Hoover." While it didn't cover much ground that I had not already read it did have one "fact" that jumped off the page and slapped me in the jib. Which American President was a member in good standing in the Ku Klux Klan? According to Mr Hack it was Warren G. Harding. Not only that, but good 'ol Warren was sworn in inside the Green Room in the White House. I was't even cognizant that there was a Green Room! While I don't doubt Mr Hack's research skills, this truly is not a story I learned in pre-school, kindergarten, elementry school, high school or college. Was this a plot, a coverup? If anyone else learned this in school, would you please let me know? Though I am a history buff, this one got past me.

National note: Jeffrey Skilling sentenced to 24 years. I assume that the "at hard labor" tag is no longer applied. Come on, guys, Jeff was just trying to look after his family. What? He doesn't have a family? He will soon. Poor Jeff, Kenny Boy (Pres. Bush's name for Kenneth Lay) died so he had to take the brunt alone. Maybe, he would have only recieved 12 years if Mr Lay were alive. I mean, gosh, he only stole about 60 million. The government spends that much everyday on soap! I think a small fine would have been more applicable. Then again, maybe not. Anyway, bon voyage, Jeff. Say hello to Bubba for me and you know who I mean, don't you?

Enough meandering for today.

Ta-ta and see you on the other side.

The Death of A Devil

2006-06-08T06:50:00.000-04:00

It has been sometime since I last posted to this blog. Either I have been very lazy (a theory that PZ subscribes to) or, I just haven't had anything worthwhile to say. However, on this day that reports the fact that Abu al- Zarqawi has been killed, I must speak out.

I have no love for the assassins that populate the Middle East. Violence in the name of "religion" is murder of the highest order. Christian history is also rift with this same concept. No surprise, most religions have been born out of blood. My opinion only. Unadorned with apologies.

al-Zarqawi was a devil. I am fully aware that it is a religious term, however, no other description could possibly apply. How could a murderous beast such as this sleep at night? How could he walk about, breathe my precious air? Being blown to bits was not enough for even now the vermins DNA still rests at that spot.

I have no argument with those that wish to believe in supernatural deities. If that is what blows your skirt up, go ahead on. I do have a problem with those who wish impose their "religion" on me, be it Muslim, Catholic, Christian or Hebrew. The silliness of the concept that "God" wills the death of "infidels" would be laughable if it wasn't for the fact that this idiots believe and practise this insane doctrine.

Are we innocents in the world? No, for we have stuck our noses into many briar patches and perhaps we deserve the thorns we get. There is no nation on earth that does not. Ethnic cleansing. Skin color. Religion. Politics. Take your pick. All are excuses to kill one another. And damned puny excuses at that.

I'm certain that George Bush is savoring the poll numbers he will get from this. I am certain that in some Iraqi circles the death of this beast is being, quietly, celebrated. This piece of filth has a long criminal record in his homeland of Jordan. If he wouldn't be killing Americans and Iraqis he would be raping and killing Jordanians. This is a religious man? If he be that, then I am glad that I am not.

al-Zarqawi should rot in hell, if there is such a place. Some would argue that this is hell. People like al-Zarqawi made it so.

How many virgins are caressing his blown to bits body? It will take more than the alloted seven, I'll tell you that.

Sorry, no comedy today, other than the Human Comedy at work again.

ta-ta and see al-Zarqawi on the other side.

Lessons I have Learned In Life

2006-03-01T02:40:00.000-05:00

As I now approach my 6th decade I must comment on the lessons that life has taught me. Sadly, they are few as I suspect that there are still many more to learn.

If there is one thing that I have learned from life, it's that I'm not as tall as I thought I was. While I am actually closer to 5'7", and have been so since I was 14, somehow, jeez I don't know where, but I got the mistaken idea that I was closer to 5'10". I once had a partner that was 5'10" and I couldn't understand why she would say that she was shorter than 6'4".

I learned that there may be aliens watching us, but I sure hope they don't gauge our culture by listening to our music. Aliens! Don't invade! Gangsta rap is not the official music of our world! Though the thought of taking out New York City has it's appeal.

I have learned that to cut the grass is useless. The grass just grows back again, and sometimes thicker. I don't shovel snow for much the same reasons. Ditto on leaves. That shouldn't come as any surprise.

Okay, you got me. I'm really Anonymous, you know, all those jokes, poems, sayings that attributed to Anonymous? Me. I wanted to take that to my grave but the temptation was too great not to reveal this. If Mark Felt can be Deep Throat (and Linda Lovelace had a good lawsuit on this one is she wanted to persue it) then I can own up to being Anonymous. Just insert my name in place of.

I learned that death is Nature's way of telling us to slow down. Nasty, but effective.

The grass is always greener on the otherside. But I'm not complaining about that, it's been plenty green on my side throughtout my life.

I learned that sometimes after the horse bucks you off, you have to get up, dust yourself off and go to the house for a rest. I rest gooder than I do anything else. Just ask the love of my life, PZ, she will attest to that, and in writing if you want it.

I learned that I am insane but not insane enought to warrant a stay in the fruit house. Enough so I have to take the medication for it, but not violent. I think. You know how medication is, first you take it and the next thing you know you are in the pokey, wondering, "How the heck did I get in here?"

Politics is fun, but politicians are not. Unless they open their mouths to say something. Then they become fun incarnate. I'll miss that. But not by much.

I learned that in order to have yourself heard you have to talk soft. Many, many, many times if it is too soft. See above.

These are just some of the things I have learned. When I can remember, I will tell you the rest later.

ta-ta from the otherside!

What Would Grampa Think Now??

2006-02-07T05:28:00.000-05:00

Before I begin this screed, I would like to say this. I believe that my parents did as best they could in raising three kids with what little they had. I don't agree with the way they did it but I do think that they still did the best they could.

When I was birthed the Doctor could not find the owners manual. Ah, but there was Doctor Spock, who probably ruined millions of mothers who could not bring up a good child. We didn't have the money to buy this book nor did we have a library card to rent the book. Otherwise, I might be writing this blog on some prison barge somewhere in the New York harbor.

But then, I digress.Young love in those days begat old superstition on child rearing. (If you said that term in my neighborhood they would be talking about the colt in the barn that kept jumping up, not that wet, smelly ectoplasm in the next room.

My father was from Mt. Pleasant, Michigan and my mother was from around Seminole, Oklahoma. He was a mature 19, she a mature 14. Dad was in the Army and I have no idea where they met but future actions led me to assume that it wasn't in church.
So sometime during this "romance" my mother got pregnant.

Grandma, back in Michigan did not approve even to the point of telling her son, "You don't have to marry her! Just come back to Michigan." My father, being strong and resolute went back to Oklahoma to elope with my mother so that no one knew until she as a more respectable 15.

My father was a strict discplinarian. My mother believed in strict discipline. My youngest brother was a snitch par excellance! And so was my sister, but she only seemed parttime, it was my brother who brought the bacon.

My parents believed on coporal punishment or at least until it became apparent that then belt wouldn't work much anymore and that was when the mental punishment started. This I endured until even after I left the nest, graduated high school and was going to college. These leave different kinds of scars.

But you know what, even during all those years of belittlment, flying belts and other tortures invented by and for parents, I know that I never once, wanted to kill my family.

Yet this, "allegedly abuse boy" in New Mexico, Cody Posey who felt he had no other options but to murder his father, he stepmother and his stepsister and then tried to hide the bodies in a pile of manure. The finally indignity. His defense? Parental abuse!

So, let me get this straight. This is a boy who claimed he was being abused. This was a boy that when he was loading the gun made sure that it did not have "snakeshot" in the chambers of the gun, only live rounds. Then he shot his stepmother, who was seen to slap him once, because she would have called 911. Then he shot his stepsister, the little snitch, because she would tell on what he did and then he shot his father. The father, it seems was the source of his anger, so, it only makes sense to kill them all.

Even more incredible he tried to interject that he father and stepmother tried to get him to have sex with the stepmother on the night before. Excuse me if I find this totatly ubserd. The Defense states that young boys do not talk about this things unless they were true. What world does this goof live on? Young boys brag about these unseemly things, making them up if they had to.

I sorry that I don't live in New Mexico and was on this jury. Oh, boy, would I have some fun. My first question to my fellow jurists would be this, if there were more people in the house at the time of the murders, would he murder them too so that they wouldn't snitch him out too. He shot his sister so she wouldn't snitch and get him caught. But he got caught anyway. Did his stepsister did for nothing?

Ta-ta tell I see you on the other side!

Hamas? Hamas?

2006-01-27T13:21:00.000-05:00

It wasn't that we could have seen it coming. I suppose the signs were all there. But, geez, Hamas? Voting in Hamas would be like voting in David Dukes for President. In the Palestinian parliament you now have Hamas with 76 seats and 43 seats for Fatah. Ok, this is like apples and oranges. Both parties have their roots in terrorism. Both organizations have never, nor will they ever, renounce terrorism as a basis for their existence.

But, this may work out. Maybe, ( a boy could dream), they would knock each other off. Yeah, I can see it now. Hamas killers riding around in 1920's vintage cars with machinegunners hanging out of the windows, spraying lead at any Fatah they happen to see on the streets. Then, in retaliation, Fatah supporters blowing up Hamas stores. Oh, boy! Democracy in the Middle East means who can kill who faster.

Perhaps they will have to import other groups to provide outside terrorism. Think the IRA or the Tamil Tigers are available? Lets see:

Fatah Member of Parliament: Hello? (Silence) Hello, is there anyone on the other side of the telephone call?
IRA Member: How did you get this number?
Fatah: Ah, Frank gave it to me.
IRA: Frank? Which Frank?
Fatah: You know which Frank, it's the only Frank you got working in Palestine.
IRA: Oh, that Frank. Okay! What can I do for you?
Fatah: Well, I'm calling to see if I can't get a little terror around here.
IRA: What, you don't have enough terror around there as it is?
Fatah: Well, yes but that terror is directed towards Israel. I need some directed ahh...elsewhere.
IRA: Humm. I take it this "elsewhere" would be somewhere in your neck of the woods?
Fatah: Yes.
IRA: Okay, can do. Where do you want the terror sent?
Fatah: I want you to blow the Parliament up.
IRA: Wait a minute I got to find a pencil and a piece of paper. (The sound of rummaging in the backround. A faint call is heard {Nell? Where did you put the paper and pencil? I know we've got some, I put the schematic of Dublin police station on it. Where? Ok, I found it.}) Still there?
Fatah: Still here. As I said I want to to blow up the Parliament.
IRA: Okay, when?
Fatah: Would Tuesday be too soon?
IRA: Nah, Tuesdays' good for us. What time are you thinking of?
Fatah: Around 2 or so.
IRA: Okay, ah, isn't Parliament in session then?
Fatah: Oh, most certainly. I want you to blow it up when everybody is sitting down drinking Turkish tea.
IRA: But...won't your guys be there too? Won't they get blown up too?
Fatah: Don't worry about that, they are expendable, after all that is what terror is all about!
IRA: Hey, it's your party and I don't say that in a political sense. We'll be there on Tuesday next, you got the explosives? You know it's a bear trying to get it on the plane these days.
Fatah: Don't I know it, those Al Qeada punks really put the kabash on that. It's okay though, we got tons of explosives left over from Arafat, all you need.
IRA: Okay, let me mark this down on my calendar..ahh, wait, Tuesdays' no good, we're bombing the snot out of the London subway on that day. But I got an opening on Thursday. Is Thursday good for you?
Fatah: No sweat, Thursdays' good.
IRA: Okay, then. See you then and would you do a favor for me?
Fatah: Most certainly.
IRA: Tell Frank I said hello and that if he gives out this number again I'll have him blown up too.
Fatah: Hey, I got some contacts with the Tamil Tigers. I could take care of that for you.
IRA: Don't you guys do that anymore?
Fatah: Heck no, we're politicians now.

In the Middle East,there's nothing like bringing in a little terror to brighten up your life.

Ta-ta, and tuck the kiddies in for me, will ya?

Whew! Big Day For George, Huh?

2006-01-26T14:32:00.001-05:00

Wow, what a big day for George! According to the New York Times at a "hastily called news conference", President Bush stated that photographs (ahh, that would be plural) taken with disgraced lobboyist Jack Abramoff were not "relevant". I guess my question would be, not relevant to who?

Of course the photos are not relevant to the president. Of course they are not relevant to Jack Abramoff. However, I do believe that they are relevant to the Congressional investigators. I even think, silly me, that they are relevant to the American people.

George, who I think was elected by the people, (I can't remember, are the people in Red states or Blue states?) stated that he has had his photograph taken with "thousands of people that come through and get their pictures taken." Hmmm. I'll have to go through my junk file to find mine. Acutally, let's examine that statement a little closer. The president said that there were thousands who came through and got their pictures taken. Now, help me out Bill Clinton, but if I read that right, he never said that they got their pictures taken with him.

The president went on to say that "having my picture taken with someone doesn't mean that, you know, I'm a friend with them or know them very well. I've had my picture taken with you (meaning the reporters) at holiday parties." My invitation probably got lost in the mail.

The problem with this statement is that he implies that everyone is invited to these parties and that everyone comes with a camera to take these pictures. I guess the security at the White House is a little looser then at the airport. How many lobbyists get invited to the White House for parties. Well, I know of at least one.

The White House (which is, last time I looked, the official residence of the president, George Bush) officials have said that Mr Abramoff also attended some "staff level" mettings at the White House. Perhaps it is just me, but I'd like to know what these "staff level meetings" consisted of and what was discussed. How many lobbyists are allowed at White House "staff level" meetings, anyway? Wellll, I know of at least one. Let's envision one:

Staff Member (oh, let's just pick one, say, Condi Rice): Okay, let's talk about North Korea. Anybody got any good ideas on what we are going to do with this jerk?
General: I think we should bomb the snot out of him.
Condi (Secretary of State): Well, that's a little extreme don't you think? Who else agrees with this, hands? (Jack's hand go up, waving) Jack?
Jack Abramoff (lobbyist): Oh, I agree wholeheartedly with the generals' assessment. Bomb the snot of out him.
Condi (looking a little confused): Well, Jack, we've talked about this before, but tell me again, why you think that.
Jack: I have one word for you, Condi, and that word is, Lawrence Livermore Labs.
Condi: Actually Jack, that is three words.
Jack: Sorry, I just thought that if I said Livermore you wouldn't know what I was talking about.
Condi: Jack, before I took this job I was the National Security Advisor, remember?
Jack: Yeah, I forgot about that, I got you confused with George. Anyway, I got a phone call from the director down there and he said that the warehouse is getting overcrowded with bombs. He asked me to see if we could find a country to bomb the snotout of to, like, relieve the overcrowding.
Condi: Oh, okay. What do you other guys think?
Donald Rumsford (Secretary of Defense): I'm all for it. We didn't get a chance to use up our stockpile of bombs on Iraq, cowards quit too soon. Bomb the snot out of North Korea.
Dick Cheney (Vice President of the United States):
Condi Rice: Thanks for that input, Dick. Mr President, your thoughts?
George Bush (President of the United States): Ahh, actually, I'm not here. Dick told me to come down here to the Strategy Room. Shucks, I never even knew this room existed. Nice design. Nope, I'm not here in any official capacity whatsoever.
Jack Abramoff: Whoa, "capacity", where did you get that big word, GW?
George Bush: Laura.
Condi Rice: Whatever, look let's get a vote down on this. All in favor raise your hands. (All hands in the air). Okay, let's get it done. Jack, call Livermore and tell them it's a go, okay?
Jack Abramoff: I'll get on it first thing after I contact the Indians.
Condi Rice: Why do you have to contact the Indians?
Jack Abramoff: Got to squeeze so more money out of them, big vote today on the House floor, got to grease some palms, you know, guy stuff.
Condi Rice: Oh, okay. Well if no one else has anything...
George Bush: See, Laura was talking about our sex life and she used the word capacity...
Condi Rice: Give it a rest, George, we went by that already.

Now, of course that meeting never took place. Or did it?

Ta-ta and say hello to Broadway!

Ethicists In Love

2006-01-25T14:30:00.000-05:00

Reading the Christian Science Monitor, my Muskegon, Michigan hometown newspaper, I found an article on the difference between a bribe and a donation. Of course we are talking about my favorite species, politicians. The article stated that the Congressional Rules cap non-campaign related gifts to $50.00 per item and $100.00 per year from any individual, including lunches or other meals. This is where if you could see me I would roll my eyes and there would be dead silence. Like the kid said to Shoeless Joe Jackson after he was banned from baseball for gambling, "Say it ain't so Dennis."
Of course Dennis Hastert, like everyone in Congress related to the superlobbyist, Jack Abramoff, is scrambling to return the money (would anyone, anyone please take the money so I can cover my, well, this is a family show so I'll just say..ass) to avoid being thrust into the spotlight. Nice try, but it don't wash here in Michigan and, I suspect nowhere else in the country. I worked for the Michigan Civil Service for 27 years and we could never take a gift, no where, no how. Of course, I did work for Corrections and it would be kind of obvious why I wouldn't want to accept any gifts from prisoners. I guess it is not that obvious to politicians.

Who was it that came up with that ridiculous amount and who did they think that they were going to get to check? "Okay, Mr Hastert, I see that you went to lunch with lobbyist Joe Blow and your half of the bill came to $50.13. Sorry, it seems you went over the limit and I'm going to have to ask you to resign from the House. Sorry, rules are rules." Give me a break. No lunch in Washington, D.C. is going to cost you less than $50.00. The cost of the lobbyists' bribes are built into the bill. Like if you want to leave a tip for the waitress, it is built into the bill. And, I am glad to see that Congress knows the difference between the lobbyist and a "individual". Eases my mind a bit about the boys in D.C.

The first paragraph of the Monitor article stated that ethicists (I swear I didn't make that word up) were conflicted in deciding what constituted a bribe and a gift. What does an ethicist do when there are no scandals in Washington? ( I am perfectly aware that I am now going in the Twilight Zone, there is never a day when there are no scandals in Washington. I mean, it's Washington, isn't it? Do they sit around and cut the cheese and read "Ethicist Today" magazine or what? Do they congregate around the ethically approved watercooler and discuss how ethical Desperate Housewifes are? This question is closely related to another question, What do professional golfers do on their vacation? Work in factories for two weeks?

I mean, here it is, a slow day at the Ethicists' office. No politician is squirming in the media primordial ooze. What do you do? Me? I'd go out and dig up some unethical behavior because you just know that some politician is being unethical someplace, somewhere. So I would be working in the Federal Bureau of Snaking Out UnEthical Politicians. I would even have a badge to flash and everything. Maybe a meersham pipe and deerslayer hat and a cloak. I'd have an English accent and say Tut tut, old boy, a lot. I'd smoke out those evil, unethical non-ethics people who shall remain unnamed.

Nah, forget about it. I make too much money from this blog to give it up. Well, since no one reads my blog that really is not true. And probably unethical of me to say that also.

Where does one go to apply for a job of say, Assistant Chief Ethicist? Do I put a resume' on Monster.Com? What would be my qualifications? How can I get my name in the paper as an Ethicist and be quoted on ethical behavior? And here is the most important part, how much would I be paid? When I interview for Ethicist would I have to fess up to previous unethical behavior? You know, like when they ask you in a real interview if you have had any prior convictions. Of coure, if I were a politician, I could answer that truthfully by saying, " No Sir, no convictions at all".

Would Jackson Browne sing about "Ethicist In Love"?

If anyone out there, maybe even a Ethicist, could answer these questions I would gladly field their call, but I suspect that this question will go into the black hole of knowledge that I will never be privy to.

Ta-ta my pretties!

The Problem With Russian Rocks

2006-01-24T22:32:00.000-05:00

Reading about Russia's disclosure about the British SPYROCK has started me wondering. The Russians have disclosed that they have a secret surveillance film of Russians uploading sensitive material by lifting up a phony rock in Gorky Park, planted by MI5, British Intellegence (again, the old joke about being a oxymoron if I've ever heard one).

What concerns me the most is the utter disregard for Mother Nature exhibited by the Brits. Do they not know how long it takes to form a real rock. I mean we are talking millions, if not billions of years. You just can't go out and make a rock today and plant it in Gorky Park tomorrow, these things take time to cook.

And, even though the Russkies (I haven't used that term since the 1950's, feels kind of warm and fuzzy) have the goods on the Brits, movies and all I know that nothing will happen. Nothing. Why? Let's say it all together we're dealing with politicians! Basic training for politicians consists of only one phrase and it is worldwide, deny, deny, deny. I don't care if you caught me with my pants down in that fleabag Moscow bordello, sorry, wasn't me; don't know where it is; never saw that girl in my life and you can't take my picture because I'm a vampire and I won't register on film. Tut tut and all that and cheeriio!

Dennis MacShane, MP (Ministry Pimp) has stated that he would have no objections to the new Russian version of the KGB, the FSB, the Federal Security Bureau (a kinder, softer killer) wanted to set up an office in London because, really old chap, nothing sinister is going on. In an extremely cogent statement (not!) Mr MacShane said, "I would have no problems if the Russians wanted to open offices here to support whatever they wanted to support." Figure that one out Bill Clinton. What was not said aloud by Mr MacShane is the if the Russians did open up whatever they wanted to open up to support whatever they wanted to support that they would have to bring their own rocks as all the rocks in England are in Gorky Park; supporting whatever the British want to support, with hollow rocks, or... something.

Later in the day the company that made the rock, the GreyNonDescriptSpyRock company quietly released their new catalogue, England Rocks!

It's said that they got an order from the FSB, but, really, I can't confirm that.

Oh, well, at least I haven't seen Randy Cunningham cry on TV all week. Things are looking up!

Ta-Ta from the otherside...hang in there Tony Blair!

Why I'm Not Telling You My Middle Name Part One

2006-01-24T08:46:00.000-05:00

Does this seem strange to you or is it just my perception, but do all serial killers have three names? I can imagine John Wayne Gacy walking up to one of his young boys and saying "Hi, I'm John Wayne Gacy and I would like to share my life with you...for a little while." Were it me, and he said that to me...I would easily wrest the land speed record from Mr Cheetah, going in the opposite direction.

Maybe the media thinks that using a criminals full name adds a more sinister cast to the alledged killers? I don't know if their mothers had a clue about little johnnies claim to fame, later on in life, don't you think that she would not have chosen to take poor John Wayne down with little Johnnie? Surely she could have been a little more inventive than this!

So, let's slink down the walkway of the Killer's Hall of Fame and see a few of the alumni:

John Wayne Gacy, such a child of god, who lured 30+ young boys to his house to intoxicate, rape and mutilate. According to the KHoF charter, this is good work if you can get it. Personally, I didn't mind working in prison, I just didn't want to live there. And why, in the name of God, would you choose to murder someone in a death penalty state? I mean, Dude, Michigan is right next door and Canada can't be too far for you. Look, take off the clown suit once in a while and think for a change, ok?

Then you have Henry Lee Lucas. Now, Henry was famous or imfamous ( whatever your cup of tea) for killing perhaps 300+ people all over the United States. While it is true that it's believed in some circles, that Henry might not have done even one quarter of that, I think that Henry just wanted to sample the cuisine of other states at the states expense. Henry Lee was looking kind of pudgy there toward the end. Little known fact: Henry was first housed in the State Prison of Southern Michigan for killing his mother. An act he told his social worker that he would do. She didn't believe him. After he killed his mother in exactly the same fashion that he said he would, the social worker got that flashbulb that goes off, you know the ones in cartoons. (I think she now works for the Department of Child Protective Services and God help us everyone ). I worked for the Michigan Department of Corrections and he was still there in 1973. I keep thinking that I may have seen him or even talked to him but perhaps that was just gas. I sometimes think I run on methane and at my advanced age, poor methane. Since Henry Lee was aware that we don't have the death penalty in Michigan, he hopscotched around the country making sure that he visited a death penalty state before he killed someone. Heny Lee was a tad bit lacking in the neuron and synapse department.

Next, we turn our attention to John Norman Collins, better know as the Co-ed Killer. John was so slick and had so much charm that he usually picked up his victims on his moped. I don't know about you, but I'm not getting a picture of a rich, sophisticated man here. Then again, according to my wife, I'm not a female; I have to admit that she doesn't say this nearly enough to curb my anxieties. John Norman would pick up the girls, take them back to his Uncle's house and rape and mutilate them. Did I mention that John Norman's Uncle, you know the one that owned the house that John did his grisley deeds in and left a trail of blood so big that three sharks came by for a visit, was a Michigan State Police Officer? I'm sure that it slipped John's mind too. John only killed 8 girls so he wasn't such a bad guy. I understand that he is taking Anger Management classes. Well, let's do an experiment, let's let John Norman go and have him work on a porno sex site. And the site would cater only to homosexual men. That ought to do it. Let's see him Manage his Anger then. Good case study for Maslov except he is dead. I don't John Norman had anything to do with that, but, hey I was a serial killer.

Lastly, but far from leastly, we have Gary Leon Ridgeway. Not a house hold name, grant you, but his nickname brings back memories. "The Green River Killer". Now, Gary was kind of an environmently oriented dude. He made sure that when he threw the girls in the river they were in plastic garbage bags. He stopped his killing spree after murdering 41 girls. Probably ran out of bags or maybe they came in odd lots of 41 and eveyone knows it a bear trying to find them in the Dollar Store. How did Gary elude capture for 4 years? Hiding in plain sight. Even though he had that three name thing going against him, he didn't tell anyone so, of course he was an upstanding citizen that used his free time in a somewhat bizarre manner.

It's even getting so bad that now the media is applying this three name thing to other criminals not as high on the food chain as murders. Headline "Simple Aimee McPherson accused in Love Triange, or Quadrangle...say Chief, ah how many angles can we get away with here?" or this "Buttley Allen Canisterfart ( no relation) arrested for driving away from the Mobil station without renumerating Mobil for the gas. President puts war on the backburner to investigate. President to bring his own blanket, chocolate milk for naptime"

So I have a solution for this. I will simply refuse to divulge me middle name. Ever! That way when I go to rob the Dollar General (and believe me, don't think that I'm not going to write about this later on, Bubba!) I will get away with it because the police will see that I only have two names (non-suspicious) rather the common trait of three names (highly suspicious.) I'll never divulge!! Haha, coppers, you'll never suspect me, even if you do have my picture on the security moniter. I'll just run for office and you'll never be able to prove it (for more on this see previous blog Hide And Seek At the Whitehouse). I'll never get caught! Why someone has never came up with this scam concept before, I don't pretend to know, but it's all mine now. I'm going to license it and franchise it. Please sign up, I really do need the work.

Well, the old cat is licking his eyebrows on the clock on the wall, but before I leave, if you enjoyed this blog and my other posts, please pass the address on (furtively if you must) to others. And it isn't a crime to comment either and believe me, I looked over the Patriot Act pretty closely on this! It was mute! Unlike Scooter Libby, who was not mute enough.

By the way, the picture of me was taken at last year's class reunion. I was the only one to survive the '60's.

Ta-Taing from the otherside...

Playing Hide And Seek At The Whitehouse

2006-01-23T16:37:00.000-05:00

I don't know if President Bush ever played hide and seek when he was young, but I do know that he is playing hide and seek with Jack Abramoff now.

While G.W.B. is making highly unethical calls to proponents of overturning Roe V. Wade, he denies that he knows Mr Abramoff, even when presented with a photo shot of Mr Abramoff and himself. Mr Bush says that he doesn't remember when the photo was taken and he states that he can't recall who Mr Abramoff is.

George, do you read the papers ?

George, dude, even I know who he is. I'll bet that there are probably 250,000,000 people in the United States that have never personally met the President. I have never met the President but that could be that I don't return calls on the phone. Maybe he has lost my address; hey, it happens. I'm pretty sure that Jack has lost my address because I'm not in Scotland playing golf. It's cold here so perhaps it is too cold to play golf there. Who knows?

As we all know, photographic evidence doesn't mean anything if y0u are a politician. And, if you are a politician and there is a photo of you with a prominent lobbyist, it was just an accident and doesn't mean that you, the President, even knows who is in the photo with him. If I went to the White House gate right now and asked if I could go in and get a personal shoot with the President, I'm sure that they would let me in. They may make me park my car, but I'm for sure that they would let me in.

I would just wander around until I found George. He would probably being taking a nap but I'm sure that he could put the problems of the war away to take a picture with me. I am sure that if I was a lobbyist, George would say "Whoa...I can't take a picture with you, your a lobbyist!

Mr President, it is highly unethical to spur on opponets of the law of the land, and it is just as unethical to lie about contacts with a lobbyist. Think that through again, and in your wonderful, folksy way, look into the camera again and fess up. It's good for your soul. You know all about your soul, don't you, Mr President?

Ta-ta for now, homies.

The Most Expensive Sex In The World

2006-01-22T04:54:00.000-05:00

One might wonder, Where is the most expensive sex in the world? One might think of ex0tic places such as the West Indies; one would be wrong. One might think of the East Indies; one would be wrong. One might even think The South Seas, or Mexico or any number of spots such as this across the world; again, one would be wrong.

To find the most expensive sex in the world you need go no father than Neverland in California. The cost of sex there is really high.

Take for example the price that you can get for fellatio on the Neverland Ranch. Best estimate, 15,000,000 dollars. That is how much Michael Jackson paid out in 1993. Plus, another 5,00,000 million dollars for lawyers fees and another 2,000,000 for the father of the boy, Jordan Chandler. I hope my wife doesn't read this blog. And if she does I hope she never asks me to...well at those prices I don't think I'll even ask.

Now, the place to go for the second most sex in the world...I'll give you all those other exotic places in the world and guess what? Your wrong again. For those of you playing at home and chose the Neverland Ranch in California...YOU WIN!

Yes, sir, this involves the most expensive crotch grope in the world. This would include 2,000,000 for the young boy involved Jason Francia, and his mother for this little party to go away. Two gropes on the outside of the shorts and one grope inside the shorts that, according to Jason, lasted two cartoons. I didn't think cartoons were that sexually charged but you would have to ask Michael Jackson about that. It seems to me that if the sky was blue, Michael Jackson was sexually charged. This did not take into account the 20,000 that the mother, who by the way was Michael Jackson's faithful maid recieved from Hard Copy tv. He trusted her. Hate to see what he would do with a maid that he hated.

Over the years I may have paid this kind of money to my wife but I would have to go over the bills for the last ten years and I'm too tired from writing this to check.

These are the known payouts that Mr Jackson has paid for this sex at Neverland. I don't know if anyone else was hitting this cash cow but if they weren't then Californians are dumber than I thought they were.

Actually, as you know this money paid out to these childern will never bring their innocence back. Nothing will do that. And the fact that Mr Jackson walked out of courthouse considered not guilty of taking their innocence is criminal in and of itself. Two people on the jury stated that they believed that he was a child molester but one said he didn't think he was guilty on this case and the other said she didn't like the victims mother. Lady, if you perfer a child molester over a mother, you need some serious help and the both of you need some serious butt-whooping. The other ten, no hope.

They say that money can get you out of a guilty finding. Well, Michael how much did you spend after the 27,000,000 that got you there?

Not enough, I hope.

Ta-ta from this side, my pretties.

Pat, You Naughty Boy

2006-01-06T16:26:00.000-05:00

Pat, Pat, Pat. What in the world are you thinking? You state that the stroke that Ariel Sharon had was a punishment from God. Are you on drugs? Silly question, it should be what kind of drugs are you on?

Pat, are you still holding a grudge against the Jews? Lighten up, the Jews have more than atoned for that little party. You damn cities, you celebrate when a world leader has a life threatening stoke...What kind of weird-oh are you?

Pat, let me get in on a secret. Psst..closer...Aw, come on...closer....Whap! There's a good one upside your head. What kind of dumbass are you? Do you believe that your a Christian? I really don't think so. Do you think that you speak for the Lord? I don't think so.

Pat, you've made an ass out of yourself for many years now. At least Jim Baker had the good sense to go to prison. I don't believe that you have the sense to come out of the rain. Well, the rain is a comin', Pat. And your going to get very, very wet.

If, and it is a big if, you ever entone or pretend to be righteous again I believe that everyone should get up and leave your dumb ass. Who writes your scripts? Who thought it was a good idea to put a racist, bigoted fool such as yourself up for President. Can you even imagine what state this country would be in if you had won? It was concievable, just ask Jimmy Carter, he knows all about that.

To paraphrase a famous comment by Boston attorney Joseph Welch during an appearance before Senator Joseph McCarthy I state: "Until this moment, Reverend, I think I never really gauged your cruelty or your recklessness. Have you no decency, sir, at long last?"

You sir, are the type of person that the rest of the world holds up as an example of the Ugly American. You sir, are no man of God. You sir, should go back to the slime pit that you oozed out of. You sir, are a pimple on America's backside. Your vitrolic statements should be taken for what they are, the drivel of an old, bitter man who has lost his way. And I don't think that you will ever find your way back. Think now of heaven sir, because your never going to get there from here.

Ta, ta, Pat! Hang in there, Ariel!

Random Effluvia

2006-01-05T13:58:00.000-05:00

(Editors Note: For Immediate Release::::::::Today Bruce Maybee, writer of the Internet Blog "Am I Right? Maybee...the human comedy, explained. Sorry Mr De Balzac", announced to a stunned family (the only ones reading his blog and only because of veiled, vague threats) that he will not include recipes on his blog. After several attempts at clarification by Mr Maybee's wife, PZ, Mr Maybee would only state, "I'm really not interested in recipes." Shock and awe followed, in that order.

In regards to the growing scandal of the Jack Abramoff congressional pay-off/bribe/just seeing that the boys are taken care of, Alice Fisher, head of the Justice Departments criminal division, stated that "Government is not for sale." One reporter was overhead to say "What planet does she live on?"
In this writers opinion the remark was uncalled for as it was fairly obvious from the announcement which planet Ms Fisher lived on.

In a related story, Speaker of the House Dennis Hassert has announced that he would be returning funds given to him by Mr Abramoff. In a lame announcement given only to the bathroom staff of the Congress toilet, Mr Hassert explained that since he has recieved money from other lobbyers he didn't really miss the money anyway. This is a shining example that this writer would like to see from other "victims" of nefarious schemes. Hang in there, Denny Baby!

In still another related story, Rep Ney from Ohio stated that he had been "duped" by Mr Abramoff into accepting free trips to the Super Bowl, free trips to Scotland to golf and free dinners in Mr Abramoff's upscale resturant. The writer was overhead to say "I wish someone would offer to dupe me in this manner." This cause one reporter to say "What planet does he live on?", to which Mr Maybee had no answer.

One wonders how one can be duped into recieving this free gifts and money to boot. One also wonders how anyone from Ohio could be worth the effort. This stems from the personal bias of the writer of this blog and can only be viewed as prejudicial, at best. However, my daughter, Amanda knows full why Ohio strikes terror in the hearts of her family. However, it must be noted that Ms Elizondo has a "pissy attitude" when the subject of Ohio is mentioned. Nothing further can not be revealed at this time but stay tuned, investigators from the Justice Department's criminal division, headed by Alice Fisher, is on the case. Hang in the Alice Baby!

In a shameless attempt at filling out space in his blog, Mr Maybee states that he will be adding a column later on called "Tales From The Darkside". Mr Maybee refused to ellucidate any further on this shameless attempt.

Flash!! Lindsay Lohan has denied that she will be a spokesman for the Taco Bell Corporation. She states that at no time during her latest ordeal has she stated "I'm fulllll" and meant it. A stunned American appeared to be speechless at this announcement. Let's hope that perhaps some of it is true. Or not. I don't care.

Ta, Ta.

The Biggest Political Scandal Since, Well The Last Biggest Political Scandal

2006-01-04T07:48:00.000-05:00

Oh boy! Ususally Washington waits until the summer to heat up their scandals, however, it looks they they jumped the gun on this one!

Jack, Jack, Jack. What do you have against the system? Why have you made so many "victims" of our legislators? Could it be criminal in nature, or are you just so aware that our poor "victims"don't have the kind of money that they should be entitled to? A concerned citizen, perhaps?

I have heard that a number of Senators are giving back the money that they obtained from you. Let me ask this; If I rob the bank today and the police track it back to me, can't I just return the money and not be charged with bank robbery? Even if I spend all the money, can't I just get a bank loan to pay it back? If the Senators have their way the concept would be the same. I'm sure if I point that out to a judge I would never be convicted. I'm a "victim" of society.

This promises to be the biggest politcal scandal since..well, the last biggest political scandal, which doesn't come to mind right now, but I'm sure that no political party will make hay out of this. I'm certain of it. Besides, the Democrates aren't what I would describe an "organized" party to begin with.

Good thing I gave up watching Fox News. Who knows what kind of headlines they have over there. Would the poop hit the fan if all of the felonious, whoops, I mean "victims" are Republicans? Bill, Alan, Mort and the rest would have to serve as apologists, a position that since 1992 I don't think they know how to act. How could Ann Coulter look herself in the mirror over that? Is there a "vast left wing conspiracy"? Is that even grammically possible? Does Ann dye her hair and did she just get out a shower without drying same hairand rush down to the studio to do the shows? Why, with that unfortunate hairstyle does she always appear on Hardball?

Need I remind you, dear readers, that for the most part, you voted these guys into office. You fell for the same old lies that politicians have been sprouting since Nebbakanezzer (Editor's note:Phonetic spellings are allowed according to the Bloggers Bible.) I vote, yes I do. But I only vote for women and communists, you can't pin this one on me.

One waits with antiscipation to see what comes of all of this. Will President Bush, by association, be impeached. It was his mangled sintax ( Editors Note: Ho, ho, ho!) that drove them over the edge. I know it's driving me over the edge but I'm not quite ready to impeach him for it. Will Condie Rice resign to take a billion dollar a year job as a lobbist? After all, someone has to take Jack's place.
Who will be in the backround pulling the strings if Dick Cheney becomes president?

I will be glued to my television (perhaps that is not a good idea because I wouldn't actually be able to see the television; it would be like radio, how passe`) to see how this transpires.

Sometimes I wish I lived in France. They have no moral problems there. In France, "Anything Goes". (Editors Note: The author regrets his last line and states that he will soon be released from the mental institution soon and to watch for his further posts!)

"Do you expect me to talk, Goldfinger?"
"No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to die!"

On Being Open

2006-01-04T06:33:00.000-05:00

I like to think of myself as an open person. I believe that my wife PZ is also, but she is not open to the concept of an "open marriage". Beats me.

I am usually open to most anything, I like to speculate, I like to ponder. And according to my daughters; I like to go on, and on and on and...well you get the idea.

The theories of aliens probing earth, earthlings and cows baffles me. I mean, what about cows attracts aliens, other than their anus'? Do cows remind them of some loved one back home? I am not too crazy being invaded by cow-like creatures, espescially ones with "mad cow" disease. Perhaps those cows that do have mad cow disease are aliens!!!

Recently I got into a conversation with a friend that is sure that aliens do exist. I've got to find better bars to hang out in. I told him that I was open and I would like to hear his thesis. Firstly, he talked about all of the alien abductions and that under hynosis they all tell pretty much the same story about their ordeal. Whitney Striber has made a cottage industry about this, however he seems to have better relationships with aliens than the majority. I asked him for proof. "What?" he says. "The proof, the proof that these people were abducted." I calmly entoned. He went on to state that for the most part, these were reputable people from all walks of life. "For the most part?" was all that I asked before he went on to another part of the concept.

He stated that for the most part, (obviously he didn't pick up on mysarcasm from my previous question), all people who have seen the aliens tend to describe them in the same manner. These days the "little green men" wear gray suits. Fashion changes, even on other worlds. They describe them with having a bulbous head with large black eyes. Seems like that decription has been around since the 50's in early science fiction movies, and it could not have possiblly imprinted anyone, I am sure.

Iasked him where the aliens hid. He asked his world famous question, "What?" I insisted, if they are around earth, where do they hide, they must hide or else we all would see them! "Well, they must have a secret base, maybe under the water, or maybe up in space. I said "Well, if they are in outer space why come we can't see them (you have to remember I am from Michigan and we do tend to talk a little strange, Yoda I think, was modeled on a former Governor of Michigan)? "What do you mean?" I happen to think that I speak very plainly and out of habit from talking to Michiganders, very slowly. One gets the idea that he was playing for time to think. I pressed on, we have satillites and the Hubble Telescope and we can see back to the Big Bang. Don't you think that we could see a measly extraterristrian space ship hovering in our galaxy?

Invisible, he retorted. "Invisible?" "Yeah, they have this like, invisible ray that they shoot at the telescope and the cameras and stuff, so we can't see them." I asked him if he ever watched Star Trek and he swore that he had not. Of course I believed him.

Then I asked him where did they come from? He stated confidently that they must have come from the middle of the Milky Way. I asked him if he knew how far away the nearest star is to us, aside from good old Sol. "What star?" Alpha Centauri, I said (because as it happens, I know everything) and I told him that it was two light years away. He brighted up and said see, there you go! Then I explained that light travels at 186,000 miles a second, 700 million miles an hour. An hour! I told him that even if he just lived to be aged 60 in earth years it would still take him 21, 900 years to get there.

"Well, I just believe they are here, that's it! That's final!", and indeed it was. You can't mess this concept up with facts, they just don't wash. At least not in Michigan. I only had one reply, "What?"

Now, if I could just use logical reasoning to explain open marriage to PZ then, maybe, we would be getting somewhere.

Ta, ta for now.

Like...

2005-12-30T05:21:00.000-05:00

Like some summertime somnabulist sleeping with a tart
Like some henna-haired harlot lurking in the park
Like some stoned-out junkie actor struggling to remember his part
Like those penniless wannabees' panhandling in the park
I go stumblin' towards the light

Like an open door to nowhere with a window's view of hell
Like a sophisticated prison where the walls are made of glass
Like some bible-thumping con-man asking for your change
Like tempest in a teapot getting flushed out by the rain
I go groping for my sight

Like a morally bankrupt politician, you've got to be connected at the top
Like a cheeky little trollop getting wool from every john
Like an anger splattered monkey with his tail tied in a knot
I am heartened by their blight

Like a blast of electricity that stands your short- hairs on end
Like an ungrateful child with that awful serpeants tooth
Like a beggar's banquent with humble pie served for dessert
Like a heat stroke summer's morning pelted with some sleet
My mind is screwed down tight

Like some dog-breath smelling alkie blowing kindness from my mind
Like a lawyer smiling snakely at a pot of gold client find
Like the wellsprings of human kindness forever waiting to be mined
Bringing all the parties together for pact that remains unsigned
That's what is my dilema
That' what's become my bind
Like a slick overcoat of sickly sweet French wine
I remain

Hey, Jack, Wanna Play Some Golf?

2005-12-29T19:41:00.000-05:00

Oh, that Jack Abramoff, what a corrupter you are! You've taken the entire legislature and sent them to Scotland to play golf. I play golf, albeit badly; can I go and play too?

I know that you have deep pockets, it takes cash to send that bunch of freeloaders on the loose. Maybe you've got some spare change and send me too? I won't get in anybodies way, just show me the way to the first tee.

Oh, and while I'm there, could you, perhaps, pay my mortgage? It would be a nice gift for my wife, she worries about the bills so. It would just be chump change for you I am sure, and if you would, I'll vote for whomever you designate, even if he lives in Ohio. I promise.

I could just stand there on the first tee and talk with Randy Cunningham about defense policy. I could bone up on it on the flight over. Are we going on the Concorde? 'Cause I get sick going at supersonic speed. Granted, I've never gone at supersonic speed, but I'm certain that I would upchuck on some pretty British stewardess' shoes. Bad form that.

Yep, Randy would ask my opinion on the California housing market and I could ask him how to live cheaply on a borrowed yacht. I don't know anyone with a yacht, but if I played golf with one of these for sale Senators I could find one to lend me one. You have to have a strong stomache to survive those waves, you know.

Jack, I'm not asking for much, just a little. I'm not going to be greedy like the rest of your clients. I only want my share. Maybe a couple of million or so. And the wife, she likes antiques. Know where I can pick some up cheap?

Indians? Who knows from Indians? Just chisle a few more million from them. They wouldn't miss it and maybe I could recoup some of the money I dropped there on the slot machines last April. You can con them, I've heard that you have plenty of times, a little shoved my way couldn't hurt. Could it? I think I have Indian blood on my mothers side and after I get what is coming to me from the government on that, I could buy my own souveniers. Come on Jack, it's like we would be partners or something, let loose of that dough.

Ireland would look nice this time of year. Whatddayasay, let's hit the links, okay? Just post an email and I'll be at the airport at in no time. Give me a jingle, okay? Love, a faithful constituate.

Doug Adams, no more fish, okay? Ta tah.

Hand And Hand With Steven King

2005-12-22T00:57:00.000-05:00

One of the nice things about Christmas is that I get my annual trip to Barnes and Noble. My wife urges all that wish to give me a gift, a precious few, to give me a gift card to the store. If you read, there is nothing like going to a book store, browsing and finally buying a book or two, or three or...

Once I am in Barnes and Noble, my wife disappears (probably to Hooters) and I am left alone with my best friends in the world, books. Books hold a power over me that I will always succumb to. I love reading with a passion. Left alone, I could, and ususally do, spend hours just looking and fondling the titles in the store. The only reason that I watch Pamela Anderson's show is because she works in a book shop. No, really.

It doesn't matter what the subject matter, except for romance novels; you have to draw the line somewhere, I will peruse. All the knowledge in the world lies in those tomes and I have drank deep from it's well (talk about alliteration!).

I can take a $20.00 gift card and come out with eight or nine books. Books that no one else wants, books that have long been out of print, books that are arcane or obscure and long ago best sellers. I am my own man, free to teach myself because a day that goes by without learning something is a day that is wasted.

I am a print junkie and no pronouncements of the end of the written word will stay me from obtaining my fix. Since I am by nature a lazynogoodbumwhojustsliesaboutthehouse, reading is a natural for me. I have been reading for fifty of my fifty something years and if I live another fiftysomething years I will be reading on my death bed. I don't know everyting in the world but don't get into a trivia contest with me because I am the King of Sna. Look that up in your Funk and Wagnel.

Sadly, there are not many of us left. We are a dying breed, unable to change with the times. The fact that I am writing this on the Net is proof that I am, reluctantly, evolving. Perhaps I should appeal to the Creative Designer about that.

So the moral is, read. Read until your eyeballs bleed; were it possible, there would be blood on the screen. Reading not only is fundamental, it is essential. And a handy excuse for not mowing the lawn.

Oops, here come my wife, quick, I'll hid in the Barbara Courtland section, she'll never find me here.

Good-bye and, as Ollie Twists always says, Sir, can I have another?

Take A Heapin' Helpin' From The Cosmic Mind

2005-12-14T07:00:00.000-05:00

Having discovered over the years the giga-ways that Man has tried to screw their fellow man, I feel that you out there in the Blogosphere must share in this wretched scam. I innoccently TIVO'ed a movie entitled "What The **&^ Do We Know?" I read the blurb and it stated that the movie was a documentary about "physics" as discussed by scientists, journalist and get this, mystics and psychics.

It was the reference to the mystics and psychics that caught my eye, therefore, I tivo'ed the one and a half movie in the attempt to raise my cosmic softer side. The first image blow at me consisted of a deep voiced narrator stating "In the beginning there was the void..." Oh Boy! And we are taken on an space viewed trip from Pluto until we smash into Earth. That clip hurt my head; never fear for I will find the key to helping myself within the next hour and a half. The next shot consists of some wild haired scientist telling me that he does't believe that what he believes is the truth and that he can not believe if that was the truth after all.....Yeeep.

I don't have to tell you that it went swiftly downhill after that.

From what I could discern what these various "scientists" (one was a chirapractor, I don't think he worked for NASA) blathered about is that quantum physics is the answer to everything, even God. In very serious terms these individuals explained how the brain worked, basic stuff if you read any physics at all. But then they slowly verged off into how Quantum Physics can show us how to change ourselves into wonderful, compassionate humans is to start each day planning your mental state. I can't wait to plan my mental state on the toilet. Does it hurt houseplants to be stored bathrooms?

We moved swiftly through several "experts" enlightening us about the value of Quantum Physics in the direction of our lives. This gobble-dee-gook was presented in very stirring music, especially when they trotted out the mystic.

At least the mystic seemed to be an earnest middle aged woman for "channelled" a 35,000 year old spirit called Ramtha. How come all of the spirits are named after Indians? Channelling means that the woman would go into somewhat of a trance and then dispense the pearls of wisdom from this thirty five thousand year old dude. If he was able to separate his spiritual side from his coporal side then how the heck did he die?

The mystic was the highlight of the whole schmoe. However, there was a small piece about a scientist naame Emoto who conducted experiements with water. He labeled a bottle "thank you" and then got some "special" water from a Japanese dam and the next day from the water and took pictures of the water crystals. A beautiful snow-flake looking crystal was photo was taken. He thought that this was to show that this was the greatest discovery since peanut butter (for most of us anyway). After this movie was over I went to goggle.com to find out about Emoto and I know that this will shock you that he had formed an institute to sell "Indigo Water". Indigo water promises to detox you and rid you of all of those years nasty toxins you have accummulated over the years. No Price Given, but you could only obtain this miracle water through Dr Emoto. Wasn't Emoto one of those Japanese robot guys flying around Godzilla?

This move trudged along until it came to some sort of an ending.

I was left with many questions, such as what the *&(^ did I just see? Was this a long commercial about water? Quantum physics? Perphaps Brain study? I don't know. Well, I think that I know but I don't believe that what I think I know is what I think to know..etc...etc...

A PASSING THOUGHT:
Why hasn't Hollywood filmed the Epic of Gilgamesh? It had plot holes too.

Please, don't send fish.

Floating Through The Blogosphere

2005-12-05T13:56:00.000-05:00

Being a newbie to the blog action, I decided last night to use the handy dandy utility at the top of my blog , the next blog button. In so doing, I found the following:

I wish I had taken more Spainish
I don't like cutesy-wutsey blogs on pets
There are some nice family photos out there, but there are some that...
Porno is just as prevalent in Blogland as it is in Webland.

There are other similiar complaints but for now that is it.

It seemed that after paging through hundreds of blogs in languages that I could not comprehend I would suddenly be assaulted by huge pictures of a woman's vagina. I'm not against vaginas, however, it reminded me of sticker shock, the way it just jumped out at you unexpectedly. Maybe it should be called vagina shock.

So far, it seems that women are the only objects of genital exposure, and for my money, I'm glad of it. My fragile male ego couldn't handle anything that makes me look any smaller than I already am.

I found many strident looking blogs in languages that I barely recognized that led me to believe that things aren't great in many other places either. I guess that move to France will have to wait awhile until things (read cars) have cooled off. My car insurance is high enough, I don't want to pay twice for it.

I found that there are tons of good looking girls in Spainish countries, with some of them falling into the aforementioned exposed vagina category. I noticed that there are some frightening lesbian screeds and scary political scandals, the two not necessarily being mutually exclusive.

I saw that some blogs were just harmless diary extentions, or so it seemed. I couldn't read most of them but they had nice music and pretty colors. I managed to find one blog with etheral music that was rather nice that I could not manage to dislodge from my speakers. It wasn't so nice after repeating for the eighth time.

There are a lot of hucksters out there looking for my blog attention and my blog money. I normally gave them the breeze. I have to admit though, that I became part of that shameless bunch when I placed Google ads on my blog in an attempt to become wealthier than I could possibly dream. Haven't made a dime yet.

One thing stood out more than the others though; as I blogged on I never came back to my blog. Page after page after page, never came back to mine.

Maybe there is hope for the blogosphere yet.

Bye bye from the other side.

When A Lion Ain't

2005-12-04T16:51:00.000-05:00

It was bad enough when the Lions set the record for the most consecutive road losses. It was bad enough when the offence was anemic enough to warrant a call to ER. Now they fire the only coach in 25 years that could win at the high school level.

Many are wondering why Marriucci is gone and General Manager Matt Millen remains. Perhaps he has pictures that the Ford family (the two Bills that can't pass in Michigan) are afraid of coming to light. It has to be something. Millen is a nice guy, granted, but he ain't that nice.

The problem with Michigan fans of professional (Tigers? Lions?) sports is that they support their teams. Through mostly thin and no thick, they put their fannies in the seats. The owners know this. Why put out the money to buy good personnel when the fans will come out for the bad?

I'm not going to say that Marriucci was the end all and be all. However, just like the Ford stock is going down, the Ford support for their team is going down.

I watched the game against Minnesota this Sunday while also switching back to watch a real team, the Colts. My wife, who is trying to watch and understand the game, constantly asked me, Why can't the Lions do that? Why indeed. The Colts are the precision machine that the Fords wish they could build, both on and off the field. Fans are getting into fistfights in the bars even when they agree on what they are fighting about, so I guess Michigan education is to blame for the Lions inenptitude.

I'm thinking of moving to Idaho. Is there a Ford plant there?

Bye bye from the otherside.

Tookie Is A Twinkie?

2005-12-03T08:03:00.000-05:00

Well, well, well. It seems that the time is counting down for Tookie. In less than two weeks the state of California will off another of it's distinguished citizens.

Tookie says he didn't do it. His lawyer states he believes him. It would be headlines if his lawyer says he doesn't believe him. Headlines are not forthcoming.

I am a great believer in the death penalty. Those who say that it does not deter crime forget one thing, it will certainly deter the guy getting the juice (both electric and otherwise).

The only thing that I have against the death penalty as it is conveyed in this country is the agonizingly long time it takes to off these yahoos. Twenty years is too long. Heck, twenty minutes is too long. I am well aware that if the tables were turned and it were me in the condemned man's place that I would want every appeal that would be afforded to me to save my life. One thing wrong with that is, it isn't going to be me. I value the sanctity of life and I couldn't stick a gun in anybody's face and say, "This is a stickup!" It's the other guy and he is guilty as hell. Tookie claims to be a changed man, and I believe him. I don't think he has killed anyone in the last 25 years or so.

I'm sick and tired of hearing about how many Nobel Prize nominations poor Tookie, (an exemplary human being who co-founded the Crips and personally killed four people) has recieved. If people knew what an exemplary person I am, then maybe I could cop a few of those prizes myself. Who are the idiots that make up those nominations? Wouldn't the King's medal look nice on Tookie's cell wall and couldn't he use the cash for his commisary draw?

Tookie was nominated for his work in trying to convince kids not to join the gang that he co-founded. Now's there's a novel approach. "I know I'm a Crip, and will always be a Crip but I don't want you to be a Crip because I don't want you to win the Nobel Prize, it's mine! All mine!" Yep, the King should be wetting his pants to meet Tookie in person in the prison visiting room.

So, here's to you, Tookie! Let us pray and hope that your Christmas will make us all merry and bright. If my lights go dim around midnight or so, I'll know that life is a little bit sweeter without you in it.

Bring Back the Represent In Representative

2005-12-02T17:32:00.000-05:00

Is it just me, but aren't our sages in Washington supposed to be representatives of what I want? If so, then I am not getting my money's worth. The little guy, the guy that pays the salaries of these...these...these politicians, too often gets left at the gate. I like a horserace like any other guy but, geeze, can I pick the horse? And the jockey? And the track?

A few specifics; Randy Cunningham, Tom Delay, et al.
Is the prevailing attitude "we're only in it for the money"? When I was in college I wanted to study Political Science so that I could get in on the graft before it dried up. Seems it is not in danger of that.

I'm tired of these yahoos running my country. I am tired of a foreign policy that does not take into account my opinions. I'm frankly, tired of being tired about this. This is not my America. My America is cordial, doesn't bomb things and people, keeps it's nose out of other peoples' business and gets on with things. My America died shortly after 1900 I know, but, can't my America rise from the dead and breathe again?

These nincompoops that we, bigger nincompoops (IMHO), re-elect with naseating regularity, threaten the fabric of our national being. Term limits would be a good start. Let's throw out the 'experienced leadership' and start putting in 'enlightened leadership' instead. I would gladly stand for any office, anytime, anywhere.

And I wouldn't only do it for the money.

Love and kisses from the other side.

Welcome to Neverland

2005-12-02T17:10:00.000-05:00

Being a newbie in the blog world, I think that my thoughts are similar to disgruntled persons around the country. We cranks like to talk a good game about world affairs and Americas' place. We pontificate about how lousy everything is but surprising do little to change those things lousy. A first step is to share your thoughts with others of like opinion and unlike opinion. I really don't care if you agree with me or not. The point is the point. This blog will attempt to describe the opinions of Everyman. The opinions are completely my own but I do listen, I do glean, I do react. This is my Neverland, my place where Peter Pan has finally laid down to rest after all that flying about. I have no specific agenda, I will comment on most anything. Read it if you like, if not...find another Neverland to alit in. As another said, Good-bye, and thanks for all the fish.